Virtuous addiction

How do we know when our good behaviors have turned bad?

Leopold Schmutzler, Lady with Daisies Bouquet (Detail)

There’s this quote from Alan Watts pinned up on the bulletin board above my desk:

“Hurrying and delaying are alike ways of trying to resist the present.”

All week, I’ve been rushing around from task to task, never quite capturing the feeling that I’ve done enough. Each week, I seem to arrive at Friday evening wondering why I couldn't get my list done this week, yet again.

This idea, that rushing and procrastinating are just ways to avoid what’s really going on in the moment, sounds an awful lot like addiction. So how do you know if you’re addicted to being productive?

In this recent interview with psychiatrist Anna Lembke from The Atlantic, she says:

“Even previously healthy and adaptive behaviors—behaviors that I think we broadly as culture would think of as healthy, advantageous behaviors—now have become drugified such that they are made more potent, more accessible, more novel, more ubiquitous. And therefore, they have the potential for addiction where they didn’t have that before.”

I’d also add that, in some cases, these healthy behaviors she’s talking about are glorified and encouraged so much that it’s hard to recognize them as addictions unless they’re quite extreme.

I always want to do more. I always believe I am capable of more. I love to make plans for the future, finding new projects to start or get involved in. There is genuine excitement behind this, mixed with an unrealistic optimism about time and how much I'm able to handle.

I can't emphasize this enough: it feels good. And that is the dangerous thing, because it's part of what fuels the addiction to doing more. It is that, and the positive reinforcement of checking things off my to-do list and feeling accomplished for half a second, before I dive into the next thing I'm supposed to do. It feels good in the short term, but over time I become thin and worn out.

If this type of overreaching, frenzied doing is a resistance to the present, as Alan Watts says, then why? What is it I am resisting? What are we all resisting when we refuse to slow down, even though we know we’d be happier?

Dr. Lembke again:

“One of the most fascinating and enduring themes in the disease of addiction is the role of control—and wanting to have this illusion of control over our lives. Drugs become a way to do that. And even when we get to a point where we know the drug isn’t working, we’re so terrified to let go.”

The thing is, the drug often does work for a while. Sometimes hard work pays off. You can get more control over your life, if you have some luck along the way. But after a point, more of this drug of productivity does not necessarily make things better. It starts to make things worse. But you also think to yourself, “where would I be without it?”

The dose makes the poison, as they say. Exercising some control over your life is obviously necessary and important, but believing that you can control your entire world and become perfect if you just try hard enough is where the problem lies. For me, the difficulty is in seeing where that boundary is.

I am resisting the present through my addiction to getting stuff done. And that's because the present – reality, with all its limitations and uncertainties – can be painful.

Magic Moment

There are so many beautiful moments that whiz by in my life, that I thought it would be fun to capture just one and share it each week. You know, those moments that sort of stop you in your tracks and quiet your brain for a few blessed seconds?

This weekend, we had a completely unexpected (on my part, at least) early snowfall. I always feel transported by snow, like I’ve been picked up and deposited in a new world.

On my morning walk, I saw these icy mountains rising through the trees, and it was like I’d never seen them before.

Head, Heart, Hands

Things to make us think, feel, and do.

• I was astounded when I first heard about the Global Seed Vault, so the idea of the Global Music Vault intrigued me… until I read that they want to charge people?

• This beautifully illustrated story about a young man suddenly plagued by hallucinations, paranoia, and intrusive homicidal thoughts – and his parents’ quest to find the cause – was riveting. It also speaks to the limits of our understanding of mental health. It is both terrifying and deeply touching.

• Video: How a space can improve (or destroy) your life. I’ve been thinking about designing my environment a lot lately, and this wonderful video does a great job explaining how your space effects you and your creativity.

• Why are miniature objects so wondrous? I don’t know. But they are.

• 5 Meditation Retreat Practices to Try at Home for a More Mindful Life. I attended my first silent retreat earlier this year. This was a good reminder about bringing those practices into daily life (I’ve been trying to have at least one mindful meal each day this week).

• A friendly reminder that no one else knows what they’re doing either.

• I’m 62 years old and decided to learn how to play guitar. Rock guitar. Is such an endeavour a fool’s errand for someone of my age? You can always rely on Nick for the advice on creativity you didn’t know you needed to hear.

• These DIY upholstered frames are really cool (and a good way to use scraps).

• I made this apple harvest oatmeal bread this week and it’s delicious. I subbed in apple cider for the cashew milk.

Question of the Week

How do you feel about your relationship to getting stuff done? Does it ever feel like you are addicted to the feeling of doing more?

Or conversely, that you are afraid of slowing down?

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