You Have My Permission.

From time to time, we all need a little nudge to do what we really want to do.

Welcome to Making Time. Each week, I share thoughts and ideas for making more time for yourself by building creative energy and establishing rituals and practices. This year, I’m also attempting The 2024 Slowdown, which you can do with me. If you’d like to follow along, you can subscribe for free.

Vintage hall pass, found on ebay.

I read a story recently in a book by Martha Beck of two accomplished women in their late sixties named Barbara and Meryl.

Whenever one of these women found themselves unable to give in to something they wanted, they’d phone up the other so that she could grant permission. From the book:

“We’ve been doing it for years,” Barbara told me. “I’ll call Meryl and say, ‘I need permission to skip my grandson’s piano recital.’ She’ll say, ‘Barbara, why the hell would you want to go to a piano recital when you could be shopping?’ It works like a charm every time.”

The author goes on to recommend that if you have trouble giving yourself permission to do what you actually want to do, you should find you own Meryl. Sometimes all you need is that gentle nudge.

Today, I’d like to be that gentle nudge for you.

Many of us seem to carry a resistance to simply doing what we want, even if there really aren’t many downsides. I know I do. I constantly find myself with thoughts like:

“I can’t go for a walk, I have too much to do.” (Even if that “work” is just sorting through my email).

“I’d better save this chocolate for later.” (Why?)

“I should probably put away the laundry instead of taking a bath.” (Even though I could put it away in the morning.)

Yes, sometimes this comes down to making responsible adult decisions. But more and more, I wonder if defaulting to doing the responsible thing might be highly overrated.

The author Gay Hendricks writes:

“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.”

I suspect much of this ceiling we place on our joy comes from childhood, when we are taught to control our id by the adults around us. The lesson we’re meant to learn is: “you can’t always get exactly what you want, when you want it. You must learn some patience and emotional control.” That’s an important thing for any kid to learn.

But another lesson sort of attaches itself to that one, an unwelcome hitchhiker: “Don’t trust your desire. It’s shameful to want things. When you give in, you lose control.”

One day, perhaps in your forties (if you’re like me), you notice that your inner adult is pretty much always saying no to your inner child. Sometimes it’s hard to even hear what she has to say, you’re so accustomed to shutting her down.

So today, I propose that we each act as Meryl and Barbara and give each other permission to do the exact thing we really want to do.

What treat would you like to give yourself today? Let me know, and I’ll be here to give you permission.

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